To My Young Army
Thank you endlessly
Today is Friday and although this changes very little for me, I’m still so happy. I’m happy that I get a break…even though I don’t. My brain is at it again fighting itself. It really likes to do that eh!?
Oh’ the internal quarrels I have with myself.
I wonder, has this always been happening and I am learning to notice it now, or am I at a place in my life where this is happening more, or maybe both are true. Maybe I have more proof on the other side than I used to. Maybe there are more internal thoughts because there is more to rebel against in my brain. Let’s repeat that shall we…
Maybe there are more internal arguments because there is more to rebel against!
I have grown up in this brain, learnt all the lessons I know now in this brain, found many patterns in this brain, become a full person in this brain. I think my brain is finding new patterns more often than before. These new patterns are in direct violation of my old patterns and thus begins internal warfare.
But there is no “bad” side, no “wrong” side. There are the patterns taught to me without my input and there are the patterns my adult brain has begun to form with my help, my own teachings. It feels dark here and heavy. It also feels necessary, like this needed to happen and like I will feel such relief when it is through.
My brain is catching up to the times. It’s connecting new patterns that it never recognized before. My old thoughts have lost their armour at this point and are standing at the gates defending their territory. They think themselves correct. They think themselves to be defending me. They don’t know better.
For years they have stood guard at the gates of my feelings.
Now there is a new army gaining strength everyday, putting up a strong fight. Both armies are here to protect me, their person…
I get it now.
I have described this experience in many ways. I’ve stated that I’m spiraling out of control, that I’m losing it, that I’m not okay.
I have never described it, however, as a war of two armies protecting their person. I’ve never noticed that the army of old thoughts is suffering thinking they can’t hold on much longer. They need to be held. They have been fighting for me for all my life. They have helped me, supported me, calmed me, and now a new force, this new army, threatens their survival and in this case, they think me threatened too. This army needs to be thanked, held, comforted, and put to rest.
This army needs a ceremony.
The new army won’t back down, it’s right for me for now. Is has grown stronger in numbers and in armour. This new army was made by me, no longer as a defender. This new army is about risk, reward, solutions, happiness, calm, quiet, and peace. This new army doesn’t want to fight the old one, this new army wants to hold those other thoughts. Hold them tightly, comfort them.
The older army is ready for a fight, ready to defend, ready to push back because that is what got me here. That is what I needed. It’s hard to leave your post. It’s hard to relinquish control especially when the fear beneath it is real, true, and uniquely yours.
I’m proud of my old army. I’m proud of their strength, stamina, and loyalty. I’m proud of what I have created in my brain. I’m proud that defense is/was always on the lookout to protect me. I’m proud that my army had become so strong.
I’m grateful for the way my brain chose to help me. I am thankful that my army had become so strong over such a long time that it’s shields became almost impenetrable.
This old army is still so young. They need love, advocacy, comfort, support, and defense.
To my young army…
Thank you for your duty, your honour, your support. This new army is here for you, for us. We can trust them. We can put down our shields, we can stop fighting, we made it here.
Thank you for your service.
Thank you endlessly.
As a ceremony to my young army, I poured a glass of wine, set the music to a coffee lounge jazz playlist, and wrote this piece here today. Then… I clicked publish.
Cheers
